By Alex Akins ’18

Freight Train is an ongoing creative writing series.  You can read the last installation here:  

A library is normally the quietest place in a school, but unfortunately for US the lowercase b squash team and I hang out there every single extension, lunch, and break we have. In a normal library you would find people studying, reading, and being very quiet. In the lower stack you will find people throwing thick books with “the intent to hurt,” screaming, whining (@H), screaming while whining, music being played a little too loud, garbage stuffed under the book shelves, improvised sections, and angry outbursts when the Knowledge book is mentioned.

The lowercase b squash team and myself have had ups and downs while hanging out in the library—the lowest moment being the “trash pile.” One member of the team (Muck) decided that taking his trash up to the trash can was far too much work and a ridiculous expectation.  So, what he did was lift up one of the bookshelves and under it, there was this little pocket of empty space and he stuff trash in there. It filled up at a disturbing rate. To be clear, I had no part in this and neither did any of the other members of the lowercase B squash team. It was just Muck. After telling him everyday that he needs to go clean it out, and him responding “yeah sure whatever dudes” the trash pile was eventually found. The person who found it originally accused H of the horrendous crime, and then H came down to the stack whining in his 10-year old crackling voice saying ”Muck! You bett’ah explain yourself. The person who found it said I’ll be getting a lifetime ban!” Muck was thrilled that someone felt as enthusiastic about his trash pile as much as he did. I don’t know how Muck did it, but he cleared up the entire situation without getting a lifetime ban from the library.

The only thing that can be expected in the lower stack of the library is the reaction you will get if you pull the Knowledge book out of the shelf. The reaction will be similar to that of cockroaches scurrying away when someone turns on the lights. If I die before the age of 18, there is a 90 percent chance of it being due to the Knowledge book. The other 10 percent is being killed by a gang of squash-loving seventh graders. When someone takes out the Knowledge book they have to throw it at someone with the “intent to hurt.” Due to the constant threat of death from the Knowledge book, I have planned my funeral. The short story is that Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive will play on the loudspeaker throughout the entire service and will be just a little bit louder than the microphone on the guy who’s running the show. Anyway none of us have the heart to throw the incredibly deadly Knowledge book at each other; what normally happens is that either the book gets launched at H or someone smashes their hand so that no one has to get concussed by the Knowledge book.

The other 10 percent is being killed by a gang of squash-loving seventh graders

Now the lowercase b squash team and I don’t always get away with our shenanigans as the proctor during D block has gotten sick of our tomfoolery. I guess constant screaming and H’s “Cowboy” music have crossed the line. We have gotten kicked out many times, but we have not given up. We worked very hard to claim the lower stack. In the prior years, CK8 (not Cheikhou Kouyate) and his band of hooligans had control of the stack. To drive them out we (I) reenacted that scene from Ghost where the ghost and the woman are making pottery (for the record I have never seen Ghost). That strategy did not work to the degree that I thought it would, but like a good battlefield operative I had learned to adapt. I decided to non-stop talk about a snack restaurant called “SnaKcZ” where you bring the ingredients and I’ll craft something up for you. On top of this I had Sandstorm by Darude on repeat while going over my plans. This worked swiftly. I truly believe that the only way to combat ISIS is through is by launching Operation Sandstorm. Send out some loud speakers and someone who wants to open a snack shack and ISIS will be gone within the year. To this day none of the misfits have been seen crawling around the lower stack. We (read: I) fought too hard for the lower stack and we had to adapt or else every D block we could lose it. During D extensions you will not hear a peep from the lower stack, unless confidence gets too high. In which case, you will see the entire lowercase b squash team be escorted out of the library and into the upper commons with the common folk. There is no Knowledge book to throw, no music to be played, and no trash to stuff. The library is a prized possession of the lowercase b squash team.

I truly believe that the only way to combat ISIS is through is by launching Operation Sandstorm