By Alex Akins ’18
Freight Train is an ongoing creative writing series.  You can read the previous story here.

After a “successful” round of golf H and I like to go celebrate by driving my golf cart on the course after hours. The only problem with this is that we get yelled at a lot. I’m not sure if it’s the firecrackers, blaring music, horn on my golf cart, screaming, drifting, trying to jump, or smashing things we find on the course on trees. Because of these actions. . . it’s safe to say that H and I are everybody’s favorite members.

H lives off of the first hole, and I live off of the sixth hole. When I pull up to the first green I’ll be able to tell if H is outside by hearing screaming, things breaking, and finally him saying: “Hey brother, man!”

One of H’s best qualities is bragging to the other neighborhood kids (who are on average 10 years old) about my golf cart. Not only is this very embarrassing but it’s very annoying when I have kids on bikes hot on my trail and H is taunting them. Normally H will start taunting them before I come over, so when I do pull up I’ll hear him yelling “HOT EVAC ZONE AL, HOT EVAC!” I’ll look behind me and see H being followed by five or more very angry 10 year olds on bikes. The closest thing I can compare this to is the chase scene in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest in which Captain Jack Sparrow is escaping the cannibal’s island.

One of H’s best qualities is bragging to the other neighborhood kids (who are on average 10 years old) about my golf cart

When H doesn’t infuriate all the ten year olds within a ten-mile radius, we infuriate all the greens keepers within the same ten-mile radius. To say that H and I have beef with the greens keepers is an understatement. The relationship is similar to that of Hulk Hogan and the Iron Sheik or Hulk Hogan and Gawker, for that matter. The heat between the greens keepers and H and I started when H and I broke into their new facility trying to see what was inside. When H and I opened the door an alarm went off and the security code thing read “SYSTEM BREACHED.” H and I rolled heavy on out of there and never looked back. While driving out, three greens keepers passed us as they headed to the breached facility. When I waved to them, trying to look as innocent and unaware of the current situation as possible, I only received death stares. The relationship between the greens keepers and us became more strained after being interrogated by the head greens keeper. When I was waiting for H to get out to my cart the friendly and very respectful head greens keeper came up to me. I was expecting him to say: “Now you listen here boy, this here is my town and I run it.” What he said was: “Now you listen here boy, this here is my course and I run it.” After he said this I was holding back tears of laughter, which only improved the conversation. The greens keeper began to walk around my cart and looked down at my muddy tires.  He began to accuse me of every mark that’s been on the course since his employment. Since this conversation I have found very large pieces of wood blocking my entrance onto the golf course.

The relationship is similar to that of Hulk Hogan and the Iron Sheik or Hulk Hogan and Gawker, for that matter

Not only have these rides created beef between the local 10 year olds and the greens keepers, but also other members of the country club. Other members are not fond of two kids cutting off their drives while smashing a ball grabber on trees. I don’t think the firecrackers, music, and honking helps, and “sorry about that sir!” is not a suitable enough apology as we still get complained about. Our worst mistake came just last week when H brought firecrackers onto the course. I told H, “You can light them when we are as far as possible from the clubhouse.” I guess that advice flew right over his head because while we were near a member of the board, H decides to light two at once claiming that “one of ‘em gotta be a dud.” They both went off while the board member was putting. He looked over in our direction and said “Hello, boys!” with a tone of anger and dissent.

H and I look to improve our relationships this summer with the local ten year olds, greens keepers, and members of the board.